Love, Me

"How'd I get so faithful to my freedom? A selfish kind of life..." Those lyrics are from "A Simple Kind of Life" by No Doubt. I've always loved that song because it's always felt relevant to me. It's resonated in different ways at different times in my life. As I sit here alone on a Saturday night, it comes to mind again.

I not only love - I crave - my time spent in solitude. My husband is gone this weekend and while I do miss him, I adore that I can just "be" for a few days. I spent an absurd amount of time on the couch today watching inane programming and taking turns snacking or sleeping. Laundry didn't get done - so what? I called a few friends, played with the puppy, just did my own thing. And I can't help but admit that I'm lucky to have this option.

Maybe because it took me so very long to feel completely comfortable with myself, I now relish the lifestyle I have. Nothing turned out the way I thought it would. I never would have thought I'd have the kind of job I have, where I write about makeup and perfume and all things girly for a living and get paid for it. I certainly imagined I'd have a child or two by now. It wasn't meant to be. Of course, I sometimes hear my good friends who have kids rhapsodize about the miracle of motherhood, and I envy the rapturous look in their eyes when they speak of the spiritual bond between mother and child. It's likely I won't ever know what that's like firsthand.

But on the flip side, the older I get the less I can imagine myself embracing the demands on my time, my energy and my other pursuits that children would require. The life I thought I'd have, turns out was never on the menu. But in place of kids and a house, I've been to Tokyo and Hawaii and so many other beautiful, exotic places. I've had wonderful nights of fun and laughter in expensive homes of famous people. I have a career that involves spending countless hours researching fashion trends and receiving a ton of free stuff every year.

I know this probably reads as boasting. That is not my intention. Rather, for the first time I really want what I've got instead of fixating on what I don't have. But it has come at a cost. I am a more self-involved person that ever before. That peace I find in my solo moments, I am happy to let linger - whereas in the past, I felt compelled to fill them with discussions and commitments and plans.

I don't keep in touch with my friends and family as much, and I admit that I shouldn't let it go as long as I do at times. All I can ask is that just as those dear companions have gone on their own paths to seek what fulfills them, that they also be happy that I am in a place where I'm ok with me. I have my goals, my dreams, my little life that I am trying to nurture and grow into something I can look back on and be proud of. I've recently come to accept the knowledge that not everyone can understand this. It is sad, but I am resigned.

Love is not always measured in phone calls or face time. It is in the everyday thoughts, the affection that trascends time and miles. I've always cherished a spontaneous "I love you" as much as a 2-hour conversation that didn't reveal much.

So to my true friends, thank you for letting me grow. Thank you for giving me space to learn how to love myself in my own way, in my own time. And thank you for simply just "getting it".

I wish I could give you all a lazy Saturday...

My Girl Crush

Let me take this opportunity to publicly declare my awesome affection for the ultimate chick - Kate Winslet. I fucking love her. Why? Because she is bad ass. Hot, talented, down to earth, intelligent and NORMAL. No ridiculous fake breasts (all natural, as confirmed to Oprah), no Botox, no entourage, no crazy stick-thin figure. She totally rocks my world on so many levels, and I have been crushing hard on her all week since she won her Golden Globes last Sunday.

I am sorry, but if you have ever seen Kate Winslet in anything else besides Titanic, you know she is deserving of every single accolade she has ever received. This bitch can act. Her masterful characterizations can make you feel sympathy, creep you out, fall in love - whatever the role calls for she delivers in spades. I've been a devoted fan of hers since her first movie, Peter Jackson's "Heavenly Creatures". This is a MUST rent if you haven't seen it. She plays a delusional New Zealand teenager who forges a bond with another girl to the point where they ultimately commit murder. It is incredible how normal she makes seriously disturbed look.

In addition to this film, there are two others from her impressive body of work that I would recommend. "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" is nothing short of exhilarating, heartwrenching and astoundingly creative. Her portrayal of Clementine required a delicate balance - the character is equal parts maddening and endearing, and the wrong interpretation could have made Clementine seem grating and tiresome. Kate was balls on. The entire movie is a refreshing change of pace from cinema rote, but for me her performance is what makes it my very favorite screen romance of all time, second only to "True Romance".

The third film is one that was released to little fanfare (outside of critics, who gushed so hard they practically creamed their pants), but has steadily built a cult following since. "Little Children" is a study of marriage, societal expectations, and adultery. Again, she nails it - but it's the subtleties she brings to the film that make her a standout. She can emote for sure - but she is equally powerful when she speaks softly and with conviction. Anyone who's heard her in an interview knows she has a very clipped British accent, so the fact that she can adopt a clean American dialect just goes to prove she doesn't fuck around. She is hotter than Streep ever was, but can hold her own in that league. Her cred is undeniable.

So congratulations on the double-win, Kate. Keep liberally sprinkling your interviews with the word "fuck", continue to be unapologetic for not playing into the Hollywood head trips, and keep beating the haters at their own game with your bad-ass talent. I'll look forward to seeing "Revolutionary Road" when it goes into wide release next week.

And for us girls who crush on your talent, intelligence and wit...keep rockin that great rack.

Ch-Ch-Check it Out

One of my very best friends has entered the blogosphere! I'd like to invite my 3 awesome readers to check out his blog at davethebasementdweller.blogspot.com. His directionless ramblings are better than most reality shows, so it should come as no surprise why I love him so. Plus, I am just really proud that he's writing again - when he gets going he's hilarious!

Blog on, bro and welcome to the spot!

PS This picture was taken the first night I met Dave in person - Los Angeles, March '06