Love, Me

"How'd I get so faithful to my freedom? A selfish kind of life..." Those lyrics are from "A Simple Kind of Life" by No Doubt. I've always loved that song because it's always felt relevant to me. It's resonated in different ways at different times in my life. As I sit here alone on a Saturday night, it comes to mind again.

I not only love - I crave - my time spent in solitude. My husband is gone this weekend and while I do miss him, I adore that I can just "be" for a few days. I spent an absurd amount of time on the couch today watching inane programming and taking turns snacking or sleeping. Laundry didn't get done - so what? I called a few friends, played with the puppy, just did my own thing. And I can't help but admit that I'm lucky to have this option.

Maybe because it took me so very long to feel completely comfortable with myself, I now relish the lifestyle I have. Nothing turned out the way I thought it would. I never would have thought I'd have the kind of job I have, where I write about makeup and perfume and all things girly for a living and get paid for it. I certainly imagined I'd have a child or two by now. It wasn't meant to be. Of course, I sometimes hear my good friends who have kids rhapsodize about the miracle of motherhood, and I envy the rapturous look in their eyes when they speak of the spiritual bond between mother and child. It's likely I won't ever know what that's like firsthand.

But on the flip side, the older I get the less I can imagine myself embracing the demands on my time, my energy and my other pursuits that children would require. The life I thought I'd have, turns out was never on the menu. But in place of kids and a house, I've been to Tokyo and Hawaii and so many other beautiful, exotic places. I've had wonderful nights of fun and laughter in expensive homes of famous people. I have a career that involves spending countless hours researching fashion trends and receiving a ton of free stuff every year.

I know this probably reads as boasting. That is not my intention. Rather, for the first time I really want what I've got instead of fixating on what I don't have. But it has come at a cost. I am a more self-involved person that ever before. That peace I find in my solo moments, I am happy to let linger - whereas in the past, I felt compelled to fill them with discussions and commitments and plans.

I don't keep in touch with my friends and family as much, and I admit that I shouldn't let it go as long as I do at times. All I can ask is that just as those dear companions have gone on their own paths to seek what fulfills them, that they also be happy that I am in a place where I'm ok with me. I have my goals, my dreams, my little life that I am trying to nurture and grow into something I can look back on and be proud of. I've recently come to accept the knowledge that not everyone can understand this. It is sad, but I am resigned.

Love is not always measured in phone calls or face time. It is in the everyday thoughts, the affection that trascends time and miles. I've always cherished a spontaneous "I love you" as much as a 2-hour conversation that didn't reveal much.

So to my true friends, thank you for letting me grow. Thank you for giving me space to learn how to love myself in my own way, in my own time. And thank you for simply just "getting it".

I wish I could give you all a lazy Saturday...

My Girl Crush

Let me take this opportunity to publicly declare my awesome affection for the ultimate chick - Kate Winslet. I fucking love her. Why? Because she is bad ass. Hot, talented, down to earth, intelligent and NORMAL. No ridiculous fake breasts (all natural, as confirmed to Oprah), no Botox, no entourage, no crazy stick-thin figure. She totally rocks my world on so many levels, and I have been crushing hard on her all week since she won her Golden Globes last Sunday.

I am sorry, but if you have ever seen Kate Winslet in anything else besides Titanic, you know she is deserving of every single accolade she has ever received. This bitch can act. Her masterful characterizations can make you feel sympathy, creep you out, fall in love - whatever the role calls for she delivers in spades. I've been a devoted fan of hers since her first movie, Peter Jackson's "Heavenly Creatures". This is a MUST rent if you haven't seen it. She plays a delusional New Zealand teenager who forges a bond with another girl to the point where they ultimately commit murder. It is incredible how normal she makes seriously disturbed look.

In addition to this film, there are two others from her impressive body of work that I would recommend. "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind" is nothing short of exhilarating, heartwrenching and astoundingly creative. Her portrayal of Clementine required a delicate balance - the character is equal parts maddening and endearing, and the wrong interpretation could have made Clementine seem grating and tiresome. Kate was balls on. The entire movie is a refreshing change of pace from cinema rote, but for me her performance is what makes it my very favorite screen romance of all time, second only to "True Romance".

The third film is one that was released to little fanfare (outside of critics, who gushed so hard they practically creamed their pants), but has steadily built a cult following since. "Little Children" is a study of marriage, societal expectations, and adultery. Again, she nails it - but it's the subtleties she brings to the film that make her a standout. She can emote for sure - but she is equally powerful when she speaks softly and with conviction. Anyone who's heard her in an interview knows she has a very clipped British accent, so the fact that she can adopt a clean American dialect just goes to prove she doesn't fuck around. She is hotter than Streep ever was, but can hold her own in that league. Her cred is undeniable.

So congratulations on the double-win, Kate. Keep liberally sprinkling your interviews with the word "fuck", continue to be unapologetic for not playing into the Hollywood head trips, and keep beating the haters at their own game with your bad-ass talent. I'll look forward to seeing "Revolutionary Road" when it goes into wide release next week.

And for us girls who crush on your talent, intelligence and wit...keep rockin that great rack.

Ch-Ch-Check it Out

One of my very best friends has entered the blogosphere! I'd like to invite my 3 awesome readers to check out his blog at davethebasementdweller.blogspot.com. His directionless ramblings are better than most reality shows, so it should come as no surprise why I love him so. Plus, I am just really proud that he's writing again - when he gets going he's hilarious!

Blog on, bro and welcome to the spot!

PS This picture was taken the first night I met Dave in person - Los Angeles, March '06

The Drama of the Appointed Savior

There is an unsettling phenomena happening.

Walking in the mall, I see in the window of a Spencer's Gifts a display of Barak Obama merchandise with the prominently featured message "CHANGE HAS COME. 1/20/09"

Watching TV, a commericial for a Barak Obama commemorative coin urgently notes the "glorious" depiction of this American "icon" to memorialize this most historic of moments.

Strolling along the street of my sleepy hometown, a fashion boutique more known for its eclectic apparel targeting wealthy middle-aged women has a collection of Barack Obama commemorative plates for sale in the window.

All I can think is: Wow. This poor man.

I was moved on Election Night just as millions of others were, but think about it for a minute - how incredibly pressured would any of us feel to all of a sudden have the hopes and expectations of millions of people thrust upon you with the open admission that it was up to YOU to make everything right?

I'm not suggesting that our President-Elect is not up to the job. Even though I did not vote for Obama, I watched the returns that Tuesday night and felt perfectly peaceful with the outcome. He will soon be my President, and I will do my humble part to support him as any patriot - i.e., one with a passion for their country - would.

I do feel bad for him. I believe his intentions are absolutely pure and good, but he is merely human. It concerns me that so much of the American public has all but anointed this man, when it is only a matter of time before those same people will tear him down off the very altar they built in his praise. That's not cynicism - that's just the way we roll here in the USA. We love to send our idols soaring on wings of wax, then watch as the mighty fall to earth, wings melted and scorched by the brilliant sun.

It's strange to feel like I'm pulling for the underdog when he couldn't be in more of a honeymoon period with this country. But I can't help but anticipate the time when he falters - as all humans will, and do - and the shine starts coming off the apple. There are people who fully believe that he will buy their home back for them. There are those who are holding him responsible for getting them a job - not just A job, but a job that they won't have to interview for and with better pay and benefits then they've ever had before. And still others think he can bring the price of gas down to $1 a gallon indefinitely. It will be all candy houses with licorice fences! It's scary how much more entitled this society has become.

I'm not saying things shouldn't get better. We are all vulnerable, and things must change. I have faith in President Obama that he will help us get there. I believe he can help us help ourselves - by clearing the path for us to see the way clearly, not by holding our hand. This in itself would be doing our society a great service.

I just hope our country can muster the maturity to resist the voyeristic thrill of witnissing the meteoric rise followed by the tragic decline. If history is any indicator, the odds are not favorable.

And as it has been throughout civilizations, for the poweful and adored, Damacles' sword is held by but a hair.

The Minute Before Midnight

I'm not sure when or where I started doing this, but every New Year's Eve I make it a point to count my blessings at 11:59 PM. For the last three years, I've had the pleasure of sharing this ritual with my husband. He had never heard of the practice before, but now it's become a tender way for us to reflect on all the things of the past year we're grateful for.

I'm a big believer in putting good things out in the universe to resonate across the cosmos. So here's my attempt to recognize and pay the positive karma forward.

These were my blessings in 2008:

My health

My family and friends

My job - especially after being unemployed for a few months this year. I am incredibly lucky to have landed not just a job, but my dream job.

My husband's employment throughout most of the year, and that he returned safe and sound.

My amazing husband, who even in the darkest of moments refused to turn away, even when he thought I would. He has defined for me the true measure of a man.

My wonderful, maddening, beautiful baby girl Cairn Terrier, Moxie. She breathed new life into my broken heart...she is my "little star".

Most of all, I am truly blessed and overwhelmed with the staggering lessons love has taught me this year. I was tested in a way I never wished to be, and it brought me to depths I never wished to encounter. I wrestled with my faith, my values, promises I'd made to myself. And it forced me to closely and harshly examine the extent to which I was willing to go for true love. In the end, a sacrifice had to be made to protect "us". The lessons I learned from that were simultaneously painful and enlightening.

Real, committed love requires a constant leap of faith. It will at times demand you to be flexible beyond limits you never dreamed possible. It means adopting an attitude of "stick-with-it"ness that challenges what you think you know. It's about completely giving yourself over and becoming totally vulnerable. It is terrifying, and can be extremely damaging if the risk is taken on someone who turns out wasn't worth the gamble.

When all deliberating was done, I trusted my instincts. I did the thing I thought I could never do, with not much more than a prayer that in time it would be rewarded. I have never been very lucky in love, so had I made my decision solely based on previous experience I would undoubtedly be in a very different place right now.

But I chose to listen to the voice that reassured me that I finally had gotten it right. And despite the horrible aftermath, I'm ultimately glad I did. It has been over nine months since the crisis occurred, and we have emerged stronger, more dedicated and each more willing to bend to what the other needs. I know I am his primary concern - he lets me know every single day in his words and actions - as he is mine.

I feel okay saying this to the world because it did not come easy. It was hard fought and hard won, with a great deal of work and effort from both sides. We earned this fair and square. Anything worth having can't be phoned in - you have to jump in with the understanding that there are no guarantees, and be willing to back up your words with your actions. It turns out, the very event I thought would break us - and me - ended up becoming a turning point. It cemented for us what we had hoped was always there. What a relief to find out through suffering that the love you share with someone is everything you thought it was only to discover that, when tested, it is even more.

So, I guess for me 2008 can be summed up with this:

"That's the way romance is. Usually, that's the way it goes. But, every once in awhile, it goes the other way too."

The dreams you come in with aren't always the ones you leave with. Sometimes...they're better.