The Minute Before Midnight

I'm not sure when or where I started doing this, but every New Year's Eve I make it a point to count my blessings at 11:59 PM. For the last three years, I've had the pleasure of sharing this ritual with my husband. He had never heard of the practice before, but now it's become a tender way for us to reflect on all the things of the past year we're grateful for.

I'm a big believer in putting good things out in the universe to resonate across the cosmos. So here's my attempt to recognize and pay the positive karma forward.

These were my blessings in 2008:

My health

My family and friends

My job - especially after being unemployed for a few months this year. I am incredibly lucky to have landed not just a job, but my dream job.

My husband's employment throughout most of the year, and that he returned safe and sound.

My amazing husband, who even in the darkest of moments refused to turn away, even when he thought I would. He has defined for me the true measure of a man.

My wonderful, maddening, beautiful baby girl Cairn Terrier, Moxie. She breathed new life into my broken heart...she is my "little star".

Most of all, I am truly blessed and overwhelmed with the staggering lessons love has taught me this year. I was tested in a way I never wished to be, and it brought me to depths I never wished to encounter. I wrestled with my faith, my values, promises I'd made to myself. And it forced me to closely and harshly examine the extent to which I was willing to go for true love. In the end, a sacrifice had to be made to protect "us". The lessons I learned from that were simultaneously painful and enlightening.

Real, committed love requires a constant leap of faith. It will at times demand you to be flexible beyond limits you never dreamed possible. It means adopting an attitude of "stick-with-it"ness that challenges what you think you know. It's about completely giving yourself over and becoming totally vulnerable. It is terrifying, and can be extremely damaging if the risk is taken on someone who turns out wasn't worth the gamble.

When all deliberating was done, I trusted my instincts. I did the thing I thought I could never do, with not much more than a prayer that in time it would be rewarded. I have never been very lucky in love, so had I made my decision solely based on previous experience I would undoubtedly be in a very different place right now.

But I chose to listen to the voice that reassured me that I finally had gotten it right. And despite the horrible aftermath, I'm ultimately glad I did. It has been over nine months since the crisis occurred, and we have emerged stronger, more dedicated and each more willing to bend to what the other needs. I know I am his primary concern - he lets me know every single day in his words and actions - as he is mine.

I feel okay saying this to the world because it did not come easy. It was hard fought and hard won, with a great deal of work and effort from both sides. We earned this fair and square. Anything worth having can't be phoned in - you have to jump in with the understanding that there are no guarantees, and be willing to back up your words with your actions. It turns out, the very event I thought would break us - and me - ended up becoming a turning point. It cemented for us what we had hoped was always there. What a relief to find out through suffering that the love you share with someone is everything you thought it was only to discover that, when tested, it is even more.

So, I guess for me 2008 can be summed up with this:

"That's the way romance is. Usually, that's the way it goes. But, every once in awhile, it goes the other way too."

The dreams you come in with aren't always the ones you leave with. Sometimes...they're better.