Saturday, January 17, 2009

Love, Me

Posted by Picasa
"How'd I get so faithful to my freedom? A selfish kind of life..." Those lyrics are from "A Simple Kind of Life" by No Doubt. I've always loved that song because it's always felt relevant to me. It's resonated in different ways at different times in my life. As I sit here alone on a Saturday night, it comes to mind again.

I not only love - I crave - my time spent in solitude. My husband is gone this weekend and while I do miss him, I adore that I can just "be" for a few days. I spent an absurd amount of time on the couch today watching inane programming and taking turns snacking or sleeping. Laundry didn't get done - so what? I called a few friends, played with the puppy, just did my own thing. And I can't help but admit that I'm lucky to have this option.

Maybe because it took me so very long to feel completely comfortable with myself, I now relish the lifestyle I have. Nothing turned out the way I thought it would. I never would have thought I'd have the kind of job I have, where I write about makeup and perfume and all things girly for a living and get paid for it. I certainly imagined I'd have a child or two by now. It wasn't meant to be. Of course, I sometimes hear my good friends who have kids rhapsodize about the miracle of motherhood, and I envy the rapturous look in their eyes when they speak of the spiritual bond between mother and child. It's likely I won't ever know what that's like firsthand.

But on the flip side, the older I get the less I can imagine myself embracing the demands on my time, my energy and my other pursuits that children would require. The life I thought I'd have, turns out was never on the menu. But in place of kids and a house, I've been to Tokyo and Hawaii and so many other beautiful, exotic places. I've had wonderful nights of fun and laughter in expensive homes of famous people. I have a career that involves spending countless hours researching fashion trends and receiving a ton of free stuff every year.

I know this probably reads as boasting. That is not my intention. Rather, for the first time I really want what I've got instead of fixating on what I don't have. But it has come at a cost. I am a more self-involved person that ever before. That peace I find in my solo moments, I am happy to let linger - whereas in the past, I felt compelled to fill them with discussions and commitments and plans.

I don't keep in touch with my friends and family as much, and I admit that I shouldn't let it go as long as I do at times. All I can ask is that just as those dear companions have gone on their own paths to seek what fulfills them, that they also be happy that I am in a place where I'm ok with me. I have my goals, my dreams, my little life that I am trying to nurture and grow into something I can look back on and be proud of. I've recently come to accept the knowledge that not everyone can understand this. It is sad, but I am resigned.

Love is not always measured in phone calls or face time. It is in the everyday thoughts, the affection that trascends time and miles. I've always cherished a spontaneous "I love you" as much as a 2-hour conversation that didn't reveal much.

So to my true friends, thank you for letting me grow. Thank you for giving me space to learn how to love myself in my own way, in my own time. And thank you for simply just "getting it".

I wish I could give you all a lazy Saturday...

2 comments:

  1. First off BE BOASTFUL, live audaciously (can't spell forgive me), drink up the quiet and the excitment and above all else.. NEVER EVER appologize in anyway for being who you are. I know this wasn't a post with that tone. It's just when I read the term "self involved" I was ticked off. You are intitled to what you have EARNED, not just in tangable things but in the peace and fullfilment you can now enjoy. It's been a live paid for in tears, harsh lessons and hard work. And as one of those that loves you so very much for WHO YOU ARE... seeing you write words of joy about where you are now is a gift to me. Have some lazy time in my honor babe. HUGS

    ReplyDelete
  2. TAG you've been tagged for bag tag.. go see here

    http://chickennuggetsofwisdom.blogspot.com/2009/01/bag-tag.html

    ReplyDelete